Like That Glass You Threw…

That glass you threw that night…
I should have let you go.
But I didn’t,
And I became that glass you threw,
And I shattered into a thousand shards of broken heart
Just like I knew I would.
Just like I knew I would.

That glass you threw that night…
Some of the smaller pieces worked their way into your feet.
I remember that you bled.
How’s your heart?
Are you bleeding?
Have the tiniest shards of my pain
Worked their way into your soul?
I yearn to hate you.

I remember before you threw that glass that night…
The glass was warm in your grip,
Your grip that promised protection,
Lip to lip, savoring each sip,
The rum and coke sweetness giving of itself to you,
Giving all of itself so completely until it was empty,
Until you took it all and it was gone.
You loved that glass until it had nothing left to offer.

That’s when you threw that glass that night…
The night I should have let you go.
You threw it so hard, after all it had given you,
That there was nothing you could do afterwards.
You were sorry for what you’d done,
But you couldn’t fix it.
Nothing you could do, nothing you could say…
I, too, am irreparable,
Like that glass you threw that night…
And your actions are irredeemable,
Like when you threw that glass that night…
The night I should have let you go.

My God, how I wish I’d let you go.
My lips no longer quiver,
My heart no longer trembles,
My thighs no longer shiver;
Nothing more left but
The silent spasming of grief
Searing my innards,
Hurling me back to that desert I once knew…
The desert from which you rescued me.

Damn you,
How tempted I am to drink from that
Mirage that is your love.
But I know…
The image wavers, even as I reach for it.
It looks so real.
What if it’s real?
Doesn’t matter,
I can already see the vultures
Circling about my weakening heart.

I emptied myself into you,
Mindless and heartful,
I gave in to you,
Settled into you,
Shaped myself around you.
I was warm…
Warm and misinformed.

And you…
You explored me,
Crevice by crevice,
You learned me.
You took me in your firm grip,
Placed me on a pedestal,
Then kicked it out from under me,
And I fell…
I fell and I shattered
Just like that damn glass you threw…
Just like that glass you threw the night I wish I’d let you go.

Even now,
All the fragmented bits and pieces of me
Can feel you,
Like a disease,
And I know you feel them too.
Can you feel the pricks,
Tiny and precise?
Can you feel them cutting into your papier-mache heart?
Cutting into you with the love,
The pain, the anger,
The yearning to hate.
Deeper the shards of broken trust,
The pinpricks of broken heart
Burrow themselves within your deceit.
Each time your heart beats,
I hope you can feel me there
Loathing you, despising the you
That you turned out to be.

All the colors are gone now,
Bled away by your cruelty.
Now I succumb to the gray,
Empty, dismal, familiar, comforting gray...
That gray from which you withdrew me,
Reliable gray that will always be there for me.
Whatever it was that once we had
Has now been obliterated,
Like that glass you threw...

August 15, 2002

Copyright © 2002 by Elizabeth Ann Lopez

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